She Wears Crimson, Boldly!

October: Running for Wellness, For Goodness, For Awareness

2009-10-07T04:30:00.000-07:00

October is National (Domestic) Violence Awareness Month an important event meant to produce resources to help address prevention, victimization recovery, and those critical resources that help victims of violence to rebuild capabilities and learn not just to survive, but to thrive in their community.

2 days until the Historic Glendale Jack O Lantern Jog.. I love this, and shall dedicate my run TO the cause because it feels good to move good energy, and to create optimism.. it gives me purpose to push very hard. I am a survivor.. of a Violent Criminal Assault. I never dreamed this could happen, and never dreamed that so many could actually benefit from us having meaningful dialogues, not hiding in shame, the fact that we had been assaulted.. You see it is in sharing that we can face and recover, that we begin to offer healing.. What would be even better, to stand for the values of humanity that does not need to suffer this way.

I run this week because of gratitude for my life.. because I can.. I run because I should.. I have my life, continuously improving health, and I have learned that by sharing of my experience, my strength and my hope, as so many had done for me, we continue a state of well being and community.

FOR THE MONTH OF OCTOBER, LINKED IN TO HELPING FRIENDS BUSINESS BLOG, would love to feature professionals talking about the importance of women in business networking, particularly those who do excellent work in the community, volunteering to help women .. and really all survivors of Violence.. Let us create and share the wealth of resources that encourage others to choose to care, to choose to get involved.. It does not take experience, it takes heart.. For this month, let us celebrate heart!

RESOURCES:
Domestic Violence Resources
LinkedIn Executive Women's Network
theHFCN ExtraCare4 Career Seekers
Jobs n Career Success Resources (Facebook)
Religious Community Resource

Dawn Christine Mular - Connected Recruiting, Jobs, Positive Business

Promote Your Page Too

Releasing Abject Poverty Thinking

2009-07-03T04:18:00.000-07:00

We grew up knowing hard work, knowing love, knowing humilty and helpfulness. We grew up living the values of 4H- I pledge my head to greater loyalty, my hands to larger service, and my health to better living-- for my club, my community, my country, and my world.

"If you saw the way those kids grew up, well it's just a shame."

Fortunately, we kids knew more love than limitation growing up. What some might describe as abject poverty, we experienced more as an adventurous difficulty. We WERE loved. We WERE cared for. We HAD an abundance of love, of life, of learning, and experiences in both hard times and good. I was princess to my Grandpa Eacret, who loved to spoil us... I was treasured by my Grandparents -- all of them, in all times.

If you have ever thought inclined to pass judgement for someone's deservingness of love, happiness, success, etc... Please choose more productive thoughts to represent your friendships and enrich your life! Here are some good things that we learned during our phase of deep poverty.

Time management of what really matters.
How to REALLY live off the land.
There is much beauty, benefit and value to using a resource to its fullest capability.
Creativity is an equal opportunity gift- not based upon money or lack thereof.. however it often favors the open minded.
For as bad as you have it, someone else has it worse, HELP THEM!!
Judging something "good" or "bad" with too little information is impractical.
Even the most hopeless situations, have a hopeful solution, or lesson as a gift that, accepted, brings you closer to free.
"Limited resource" begins in the mind, believing how bad things are.. that this is the best it could ever be, and you WILL lose it soon.. THAT is abject poverty.. Whats the point of trying?

SOME thoughts that need to be released, to truly live free of abject poverty.

Abandon all hope ye who enter here, "If you really knew me, you would never be able to love me.. or even like me
Save and savor every good thing as if it is the last experience of its sort.. Poverty can sometimes trigger a sort of "love as if its almost lost" sort of feeling. Longing based upon lack, is unsatisfying, and heartbreaking, especially given the alternative.
People will ALWAYS talk-- let us talk more about celebrating human spirit, love and success, then of failure, limitation and lack.

Since Colorado

2009-04-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

Your friends who know and love you can spark gratitude for how much has changed!

On my way to dance Zumba Class a friend Ron Avila, posted on my Facebook wall, how much I had changed since we knew one another in Colorado... And he got me thinking.. OH MY GOSH things got really darned good!

What's new:

Health

Dress Sizes: 4 sizes smaller than when I lived in Colorado.
Lighter Frame: 40 pounds lighter and counting.
Greater Endurance: trained and ran my first 3K and 5K since high school.
10 years of chronic insomnia improved by several hours more sleep per night.
Improved Running Statistics: 15 minute mile to 11 minute mile on average. Training for a 10K.
Working out 2 times a week: Now dancing 4 times per night, working out with a trainer, and running.
Less dependence on prescription medication, less allergies, breathing problems and stress related symptoms.
Healing: Acceptance and healing from Violent Crime as well as a series of heart breaking series of miscarriages and health disorders.

Greater Influence: Business Network grew incrementally for business networking, professional opportunities, and jobseekers.

Twitter Recruiters Directory connected with some excellent business exchange
Xtreme Recruiting: First video Interview with Bill Vick
FAST growing communities for Business, Job Seekers Support, and Recruiting Professionals with advances in social networking

I am grateful so much for the valued constants:

Our beautiful 2 kids, Kyle and Caitlyn.
Dear friends that love us as we love them.
Regular income that allows us to provide for our family and help our community.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

2008-10-15T15:43:00.000-07:00

October 15th, 2008 -- is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today is October 15th, 2008 -- is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

My heart goes out to those who have experienced the hope of pregnancy, the excitement of life, and the gripping impact of loss.

I have 2 really wonderful children. Kyle is now 9 years old. Caitlyn is 4 years old. They have 3 siblings that never lived. 2 boys, and one girl, Alexandria.

With my first miscarriage, dear friends offered consolation, some from experience, some from the hope of trying again.

Alexandria came into our life after Kyle. I always dreamed of having a baby girl and a boy. Alexandria miscarried at home, one day before the intervention surgery, one week after we learned the sad news that this little girl had stopped growing. I would have carried her for almost a week after she stopped living, and the heartache was intense. Caitlyn was a dream come true.... when she was born, big, healthy and beautiful. She is a strong girl and a delight.

The day of Hurricane Katrina was the day our last baby, Quinn, miscarried. This is a picture of me with Caitlyn and "baby" Quinn. This was a surprise pregnancy-- after moving to Ohio. I was done with pregnancy and had NO more maternity clothes.. The surprise pregnancy the not wanting to tell anyone, but having to buy maternity clothes. This was my favorite maternity top-- so comfortable, so feminine, I really loved it.

We are put on this earth, and given the honor of being parents.. that is a gift. There is no real consolation to the loss of a pregnancy. It is a gripping loss. I will not try to offer words of the promise of tomorrow, but I also will offer the gentle message that we do what we can to part with love for as long as they are in our lives. You are never given a dream without the equal capability of making it happen. But the process to make that dream reality may take a different path than you dreamed.

October: Running TO Optimism!

2008-10-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

October is a month of many issues near and dear to matters of the heart. October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. October is Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Awareness Month. October is the month that a group of friends organized in 2001 to help one another band together and get through tough economic times.

Sometimes through tough times, all we need to know is that someone cares, and that others have been there and survived tough times.. So let us not become too busy, too worried, or too distracted to miss those opportunities that make life better, regardless of what is happening.

Tomorrow morning I run the Jack O Lantern Jog in Akron OH, a 5K course with lots of hills through historic Glendale Cemetery. There was a time when I felt it was running away from my problems. To think it was a little more than a few years ago I was informed that women survivors of criminal sexual assault have a higher risk of serious health problems, including cancer, later on in life.

My dear friend called this week to check in. She has a strong empathic connection and always knows exactly when to call. Her last call of this type was at the deciding moment where I was compelled to overcome my fear of cancer, and face the surgery in front of me.. She had been there, done that, and survived cancer, so her story had great credibility, her timing had meaning.

Her call this week was to remind me, and celebrate how much better we both were. She is still cancer free, and doing great. I averted the risks of cancer, and eliminated most symptoms through surgery earlier this year, but exhaustion, sleeping for the first time in a decade, and a complete absence of pain was shockling refreshing. I am running -- not away but towards my better self.

Those who advise that sexual assault victims run a higher risk of cancer, do not realize the power their words have to create limitation, or worse, a life sentence. Defying the odds did my heart and mind good.

Those who advise that women my size have no business running do not realize the power of their well intentioned words to create limitation, masquerading as love. Better to die living on the run than to die never having challenged the life I live. The paradox of this place that I have come to is that the Secret to health, is not to get so obsessed in it's absence that we create a tailspin.

Surgery was the best thing that happened to me. I now have energy, sleep like a normal person, and am thinking and feeling better than ever. For that I am grateful. I run because I can. I run because it feels good. The sound of the music creating a new sound as my feet run in sync, observing the trees in autumn... Ah it is beautiful. It is good.

Do not tell me I can not run... I am running.
Do not tell me I am doomed... I am running.
Do not tell me I am healing... I am running.

Do not tell me I am hopeless.. I have lived. I am living, and I am here to lend a hand and heart to others.. We are better when we pledge our heads and hearts to help each other with matters of courage, of opportunity, and of health.

What you think of me, is none of my business OR concern..

2008-09-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

"You should be happy she cares enough, I mean if she wanted you dead, she would say nothing and secretly hope her wish comes true."

This was a regular discussion I have with a loved one... A familiar discussion, where I suppose one is to take comfort in continued discomfort. That notion feels like crap. If the choice is "you are a fat failure who is doing it all wrong... or .. nothing at all..." I choose nothing at all.

A few decades of "life and health management tips" from a woman who feels I was never quite good enough for her brother. This was the wisdom he offered when we came home from Florida the year of my miscarriage that no one in his family knew about, to have had to endure, "If you only did not eat so much" tips. Thanks, that stings, but I am okay.

My health is better, my energy higher. I run today because I can, I like to, and I feel good doing this. Not all of me, yes it takes a pounding on my feet. The rest of me loves it...

So this weekend when I thought we might have avoided the painful heart to heart that causes me to bite my lip-- not wanting to make bad, worse.. I found my tolerance for this type of detail a little less palatable.

"I have gained a few pounds, and know from experience, I just can not be as active when I am heavy. I think that running may be bad for someone as big as you."

A race of thoughts come in my head as I think of her size 8 frame being "heavier" than usual. First thought, "Look at YOU, Look at ME.. and well JUST SHUT UP already!
Second thought, "Bad Dawn, who do you think you are, trying to get healthy when you will always be a failure."

Third thought was the form of communication that seemed better. " I am WAY stronger and more capable than you give me credit for. I have accomplished and will accomplish more than you expect of me."

I could not bring myself to thank her for her veiled attempt at demonstrative concern. However I also did not bring myself to suggesting she stop this negative trail of tears and depression, guilt and sorrow... I did not bring myself to suggesting that for her many qualities of goodness, her fear and negative attachment was downright ugly for such a beautiful woman.

Do not more damage, in exchange for damage done.
Strength is in grace to see the forest and the trees, the sky and the leaves.
My "rocket of desire" in the moment would be a relationship a little less fraught with pain and negative spin.

I will continue to run.. because it feels better to be doing something positive, then nothing, and each step feels like it's something positive.

I choose to surround myself with loving positive, supportive people, and enjoy that I have this in my life today. I choose not to shun people from my life because they can not be more loving or kind. I choose to breath in kindness, breath out love, and not get so attacthed to what you think of me, especially if we have a proven history of disagreements in our points of view. I respect your desire to disdain me, I will respectfully disagree, but I will not ask you to take it back.

Results are in.. What's in a Name?

2008-06-10T04:37:00.000-07:00

Celiac did not have mainstream familiarity when my Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer of much of her lower digestive system, starting with colon cancer. She was a tough cookie, and decided to just "wait out the pain", rather than checking with the Doctor. She lived life on her terms, and when the diagnosis was in, the cancer had progressed to a state of ir-reverseable.

I was happy to learn the name for my discomfort.. Having a name seems to give me a familiar and more personal way of managing relief. I am a tough cookie too, but part of that toughness comes from an internal constitution that we have choices in managing the pain, and choosing to take progressive steps supportive of a healthier constitution. That for me involves facing that which seems scary, and making decisions that help me either understand the fearful elements and manage them, or helps me appreciate the alternatives that might exist.

The results of my EGD are in and favorable!
I do NOT have Celiac an issue which can lead to ulcers or cancer.
I do have Irritable Bowel Syndrome which is not a precursor to cancer or celiac.

I learned that there was a difference between food"allergy" and "intolerance".

I mistakenly understood that IBS is a likely precursor to Celiac. There are standard diagnostic criteria of the common symptoms, and there is no real physicality beyond the symptoms. The first step in treatment is understanding the symptoms and how they can be reduced.

What I did not know is what I really needed to do, given how very hard I have focused on making healthier choices. This was in fact my desire to face head on, that which needs to be managed, calling it by name, and thanking it for the lessons it has afforded me, but letting it know I choose now health more than limitation.

Feeling so much better since the hysterectomy that was so necessary, and solved a very serious problem that had no name, until the surgery. For years I have attributed the inconvenience to the "other" syndrome in my life, PCOS. Not realizing the source of the extreme pain was endometriosis.

RESOURCES:
East West Approach Medical Diagnosis, Alternative Health Treatment.
Diet Tips for IBS.
Supplements for IBS.

To Gluten Free or Not

2008-06-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

I get the results of my visit to the gastroenterologist on Monday.
I am hoping they can provide me a referral to someone that can help, really help me than trying to get me to keep experimenting and causing pain..

According to their tests I am not Celiac.. If not that, what IS it? It is digestive, it is something.. Do I have to keep experimenting until I discover what "it" is? OR could I find the words to help them to help me without all the drama.

Celiac Needs more Mainstream Convenience

2008-05-08T10:01:00.001-07:00

Celiac is inconvenient because so few people know about it. But there are a few well informed resources that are of value and of interest to those with Gluten Intolerance or other Food Allergies.

Diagnostic Considerations: Most will suggest not to diagnose yourself, but being aware of the symptoms, you can take proactive steps to rule in, or out Celiac Disease or other digestive related symptoms.

Celiac Disease Explained
Ask your General Physician for a Referral.

Mine suggested Dr Salvino 330-869-0954 Akron Digestive Disease Consultants, Inc.
570 White Pond Dr., Ste. 100
Akron, OH 44320

Check the Celiac.com Doctors of Gastroenterology To Diagnose

Dr. Arjun Venkat, M.D. - Gastroenterologist
Akron Digestive Disease Consultants, Inc.
570 White Pond Dr., Ste. 100
Akron, OH 44320
Tel: 330-869-0124

Misdiagnosis
National Digestive Diseases Information Clearinghouse
Early Diagnostic Indicators in Children
Neurological Complications
Apple Shaped Physical Characteristics

Personal Finance Considerations:

Treatment and Support

Safe or Unsafe?

There is Agitation

2008-04-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day professionally. All good things happened, and my emotional set point is still completely wiped out. Not sure if it is exhaustion, depression for a reason, or what.. but I do feel very much in need of a time out.

There is pressure.
There are deadlines.
There is guilt.

Feeling pretty good these days.

2008-04-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

Getting more energy. Working out again is like starting from a new place.. new thresholds, and not as much endurance or strength as I had hoped.

Still sleeping great with no insomnia.

Sugar cravings continue, but improving.
Depression comes in the form of intense waves of despair--- seems to be almost more related to being too tired. when I nap, when tired, things just seem to go better. Not sure how much longer this sort of napping necessity will be in place, but for the time I will accept that perhaps the body needs rest, and my yielding to it is a good thing.

After workouts, after yardwork, I still need to recover.

All in all.. it is well.

Tired turns..

2008-04-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

Tired turns to unrest, unrest to depression.

There is a cost for improvements that comes with the value of the improvement.

Silly to beef on this, but I am trying to adjust to the fact I have now the same hours in the day as everyone else.. Slightly panicked and saddened that I have to sleep so much, and I think battling a bit of depression.. Not the usual depression where I am convinced I will be left alone and friendless without a resource in the world.. More like a bored emptiness that comes from knowing I have alot to do, and not feeling the vastness of time I once did.

So are their strategies for recovering insomniac?

Waves of Depression, Pangs of Pain

2008-04-02T06:01:00.000-07:00

All in all, recovery is good. I feel more "wellness" than 'distress'. Today is the second day of April.. This is usually the busiest time at work, and also the time when I feel the worst in my formerly very predictable cycle.

I see the Doctor on Friday to affirm that the lingering problems are just as minor as I hope them to be. Signs of spotting continue. Sharp pains emanating from my kidney-
Migraines-- almost eliminated, several headaches, not migraines!
Sugar Cravings-- still seems to be a cyclical thing, at the end of the month.
Vertigo-- Have not had vertigo since the surgery, I am dizzy, but not vertigo, not even light headed blackouts, so much as minor disorientation when getting up to fast from seated or laying to standing at the end of the month.

Waves of Depression come in.. It's more like a tide, then an overwhelming tsunami now. I don't fear now that the waves will dwarf me, drown me, and end me, but it does appear as a very strong dark desire for this crap to pass already.

Where before surgery, I would be rendered socially inept at communicating anything for fear of coming across too strong, now I find the depression less debilitating. I don't feel so much as if I am despised by everyone, as if I am going to end up friendless, penniless and homeless and truly bankrupt. I am however deeply agitated, a bit crispier, and not as resilient. Work stresses frustrate the heck out of me but now I know why. Knowing is a big part of the battle... Choosing to fight or release the tension is another component altogether.

Waves of Depression that can be identified, can likely be resolved. I am working on this, and being clearer on the actions I must take to navigate this.

Pangs of pain could be reasoned as the body healing-- not just that it is an ominous side of something else I need to brace for.

Shes up, Shes down.. Shes sleeping again

2008-03-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

I am doing better every day. Feeling more energetic, feeling more grateful that my health is restored, once I recover this. Now I have intentionally enlisted the help of my hubbie and friends to make sure I don't electively overdo it again.

I am able to carry Caitlyn again for short periods of time. I have alot more energy and no pain. Minor issues appear to be part of the normal recovery. Most notably is absolutely unpredictable energy levels.

First week back to work, I found myself tired at 3, exhausted and swollen with no appetite by dinner, and unable to cook for the family. By the end of the week I was able to stay awake all day, no naps needed, and go to bed at a normal hour at night and stay sleeping.. All that is sheer wonder!

Yesterday I was full of energy and did the work of about 3 people. It felt great. All day long, rose early, up all day, no naps, bed at a reasonable time.. No exhaustion, no swelling, no depression no nothing... Every time I get one of these delicious bursts of energy it's hard to not try to squeeze as much activity out of that moment as I can before the moment passes..

While feeling great I called the Doctor to see when I might be okay to resume more physical activity and training, possibly even running. Now it could be my energy is affected by the weather, because yesterday it was beautiful all day, and hubbie, Kevin went for a run after work.. I was really wanting to run, instead I opted to eat a light dinner, since the Doctor had not called yet.

Hubbie has created a quote from one of his friends from work who had the surgery, "When you are feeling great and thinking about doing something at this stage, it's probably better just to not do it." That logic kind of drives me um... crazy.. But I suppose some of my unreasonable driving of myself doesn't help either. Okay I willingly admit I don't quite know how to do this whole recovery thing, and frankly think it should be much less of a big deal then it apparently is.

And today the moment passed. I awoke today.. Ended up working from bed because I was just to exhausted to try to be upright.

If there is an observation window into my world, it must be very amusing to see me.. She's Up. She's down. She's sleeping again.. Oh look how cute, she is trying to run up the wall.. doesn't she know that will hurt when she has met her goal?

Checking in. Trying to learn

2008-03-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

This is generally the "crunchy time. Wondering how much change to expect and how much I must be prepared to continue to manage. Mostly I am experiencing a strong desire to fast forward to healthier living faster.

What's changed? Delighted to have made it through a month without overwhelming "everyone hates you" depression. I have had no-- mark my words - NO insomnia!! Very strange, in fact amusing that I am a little panicked over actually being tired.. Exhaustion is normal for the next couple months.. I am hoping that I might be done with insomnia entirely, and be able to sleep like a regular person. If I do, I will need to manage my life a little differently, but mostly in a better way!

What appears unchanged? I still found myself craving sugar and suffering blood sugar problems. Still seem to be experiencing cyclical acne, however with a stunning lack of pain, it seems the breakout is more extreme.

What's new? Hot flashes and sweats are strong. Desire to be more active, with a bodily combat to stay awake seems to be the challenge. VERY tired at the end of the day, and at 3:00 in the afternoon.

I am starting to supplement with Estroven and Phytoprolief.

Inspired Abraham Hicks Message of the Day

2008-03-06T03:02:00.000-08:00

Today's Abraham Hicks Message was particularly inspiring: " When you feel enthusiasm to do something, it means you've lined up the Energy, and you are being inspired to take action from that point of alignment. When you don't feel like doing it, don't push yourself, because your effort is not worth it. But, when you line up the Energy, the feeling of procrastination goes away. "

I awoke, well rested, ready to enjoy and embrace this day.
Making a decision to work when I can, rest when I can, and stop finding so much time to worry or analyze IF I am well. IF I am done, and what I need to do to prepare for the worst case scenario.

10 years of painful cycles, insomnia, etc.
Week 5 and feeling tired and easily exhausted, unable to stay awake all day..
41 years experience living and facing the day with enough energy, intellect, and might to do what must be done at that moment..

Oh Dawn, perhaps this is all just the way it should be.
As I try desperately to connect to resources to help me manage what's next in my recovery, I come to realize that sometimes no answer comes, because the problem might not be a problem, if indeed I become willing to release my hold on it!

I am the best me I can be, but there is room for improvement.
I am neurotic, but getting better.
I am superwoman, but getting better.
I am surrounded by people who love and see the better in me, despite me. and that is great.

Adenomyosis and Week 5 Post Surgery.

2008-03-04T04:37:00.000-08:00

Adenomyosis was the diagnosis, possibly a side of Endometriosis.

After over a decade of believing the "problem" was PCOS (Stein Leventhal Syndrome), trying to adjust to the implications of the new assessment. I don't choose to wait another 10 years to find that the problem was really really something else.

Understanding that Adenomyosis is hard to diagnose, and PCOS has some obvious markers that make it an easier assumption, what is accurate, and more importantly, when do I know it is fixed? Symptoms are cyclical and seem fairly centralized to pain, tender, possibly enlarged lower abdomen, excess bleeding.

Now I realize that at 5 weeks post surgery, "wait and see" is the only practical approach, "waiting" another decade to really arrest the problems and embrace my newer healthier self is not a reasonable option. Nor is hypochondria, overcorrection, or undercorrection.

How then do I properly come to manage knowledge post hysterectomy I asked of they HysterSisters today. I am reasonably certain I am not the only person who has been there. I know alot of women who have PCOS and managed the symptoms of insomnia, depression, weight fluctuation, acne, hirsutism, difficult cycles, sheer pain, miscarriage, preterm labor, etc.. Knowing I was not alone helped a bit, but knowing I could make choices that make things better became the more interesting quest.

And so it is with Adenomyosis. The current range of questions are around orienting myself post surgery to what my regular life might be like-- what is reasonable to expect WAS solved, what is likely to continue, and what can I do to manage that?

Not sure yet what that looks like. I am EXPECTING the debilitating pain that accompanies difficult cycles creating sheer pain is gone, leaving me more free to manage solutions for exhaustion, depression, foggy thinking and energy issues. I SUSPECT the continue to manage will take the form of continued diet and exercise will help manage insulin balance, which I suspect will continue post surgery.

Recovery Update: Pathology Report

2008-02-29T10:20:00.000-08:00

Today is week 4 post hysterectomy, and I met with the Doctor to learn of the pathology results, check in, and plan our next steps.

CONCERNS: Exhaustion, freezing, and pain. We had to make a trip to emergency this weekend to check for internal bleeding. All is well, I just need to give myself a bit more recovery time-- a week or two.

PATHOLOGY RESULTS: Source of disease was Adenomyosis, a glandular derangement that mingles the muscle and uterus, causing the symptoms. For me success represents and absense of monthly abdominal and back pain. Free from vertigo, migraines, upset stomach and digestive disorders.

Am I really really done being symptomatically "stalled"? Doctor is very optimistic that what has been a decade of problems has been both identified and resolved. Time will tell explains my doctor. His expectation is that I should be able to actually begin feeling better in the next month, and when adding back in, start getting results from my workouts and continuing the health program when I have the energy and capacity to return to regular activity.

Insulin Resistance will continue, and I should continue to watch symptoms, check blood sugars and watch diet. PCOS symptoms will continue, but the risk of uterine cancer is expected to be virtually eliminated, since the biggest area of disruption and disease was removed!

Management: Consider Celiac Diet and watch carb clutter, sugars. Exercise. Ayurveda.

4 weeks post surgery and all is cooooold

2008-02-28T02:50:00.000-08:00

The trip to the Emergency Room this weekend for my toddler's "tackle hug" was disruptive, but the good news is no major damage done, and no uncontrolled internal bleeding. My arm and hand is terribly bruised from the bloodwork and IV activity.

It is 4 weeks post surgery and I have been trying to visualize what my months will look like when they have indeed solved the problem successfully.

The order of the day.. and night.. is body temperature regulation. I can not get warm. Writing this with a flannel jammies, heavy wool socks, and a thermal blanket wrapped around me, with a space heater blasting right at me. I am cold. Damned cold-- feet, hands, body, shivering.

Last night I took a hot shower just to get my feet warm. That worked, but I woke early today with the cold shivers again. While shivering me timbers I reflect back that cold is still way better than feeling the intensity of depression, the pain, and the overwhelming feelings of debilitation. Yes I think, if this is the worst, I think I can manage the cold over the depression.

Week 3 Post Surgery

2008-02-23T04:20:00.000-08:00

It is a fact that I like to be exceptional, defy the odds, and reclaim my position of wellness. I have all the resources at my disposal, so why is it that I lean so much on worry and doubt.

With the incredible resources available on Hystersisters.com for explaining week by week what form recovery will take, much of my instinct is hitting a limitation, deciding it is in my head, warring on it, worrying about it, wearing myself out, and then going to Hystersisters to learn that this is perfectly natural for me to be feeling that way.

Remaining issues... I feel great.. Oh no just kidding I feel horrible. I can walk and have finally recovered.. Oh no, just kidding, I am exhausted with the occcaisional seering pain from some unpredictable location that makes no sense.
Oh it's so nice to see things improving... and then not.

Exhaustion and Energy.
Pain then worry that endometriosis problem was not solved, followed by worry, war, acceptance.
Neck Pain that comes and goes with great stiffness.
Appetite has returned somewhat, followed by sweet cravings.

Week 3 Post surgery. Intense pain is pretty much gone. I am not missing the pain medication, nor needing it, but I am scaring the daylights out of myself with my testing of the feeling better. My desire is to start getting more active, start losing weight, and start enjoying the more energy and less pain benefits that lie on the other side of a successful surgery.

What happens if you do too much?
Is it too much to ask that I have more energy and hormone balance this early post surgery?

The message, take care of this, you have this opportunity to heal correctly. Oops, as I type this, it beomes evident the next nap is imminent.

Week 2 post surgery...

2008-02-17T16:04:00.000-08:00

Today I had longer bursts of energy, and went for a walk around the block. Felt good to be out and I walked on the street, to keep an even surface, free of snow.

I removed the exterior stitches today.

Then tonight I found myself experiencing right side spasms that were quite painful. A nap seemed to be in order, and the spasms are no longer acting up.

Two more weeks until my follow up. Trying to figure out what I can do to understand what it IS that I do have, and how I can go about healing. 9 years of energy around a "syndrome" PCOS that did not appear to be the source of the problem (Endometriosis) has me asking why it was so hard to isolate what was the problem. When I looked at the symptoms of Endo it became clear that it IS hard to isolate the particular problem, because the markers or symptoms of each are so similar, and of course I was expecting, you shrink the ovarian tumors, you solve the problem, but we shrunk them and kept the problem.

Could it be they thought my pain was hypochondria or depression out of control?
Could it be they were so sure a woman could not survive the violent crime I did without trauma, that they failed to act upon information based upon an assumption of issues based upon case studies of female survivors of sexual assault?
Could it be that I was so disenfranchised at the notion that there were residual issues from the assault twenty years prior, that I could not hear the possible solutions they were posing, because I didn't like the implications that I wasn't done?

WHAT IS:

WHAT IS POSSIBLE:

Patience Princess.. It takes time

2008-02-12T00:45:00.000-08:00

Finding comfort in the Hyster Sisters website: http://www.hystersisters.com/

Week 2: Pain level is at a 5: Can't be ignored for more than 30 minutes. Trying not to take even mild painkillers reduce pain for 3-4 hours.

Trying to use herbal supplements which work slower. Neck Pain, slight dizziness when standing, horrible insomnia, followed by peculiar bursts of energy, and then sleepy crashes.

Try to use the bursts for good things like walking, or kid time, or taking the kids to school or work. Frustrated that I am not able to make more productive use of time.. I mean aren't I sposed to be better after I am off the pain meds? Answer: No Dawn.. Patience Princess, we say 4-6 weeks for a really good reason. And NO you are not exempt.

Try to also remember the superwoman thing is highly overrated and some things I should not rush to do:

Clean up orange juice, spilled on the floor.
Picka up my toddler daughter.
Pour me a glass of milk please.
Laugh or sneeze or get up from the couch wrong.

Having recurrent nightmares of loss, confusion and dissaray. Termination, failure, miscarriage..

In the back of my mind, what changes with the surgery has started to trouble me a bit. What if we took out the uterus and cervix, leaving the ovaries, and my problems persist... Said another way, how will I know this is working?

Since I still have my ovaries, the same ovaries I have been told WERE the problem all these years, and there IS evidence of endocrinal disorders, what's next if the problem is not solved. What rules out or in Cancer, Cushings, Thyroid, etc... What improves my strategy for managing PCOS?

Homeopathy, Forgiveness, and Pain Management

2008-02-08T13:38:00.000-08:00

Post surgery 2 days no prescription pain medications... Better, but still not a cake walk... still some intense and inexplicable neck pain, some pain at the stitches when I am up and around... Still very tired and sleeping in bursts...

I traded the heavy duty drugs of Endocet for Extra Strength Motrin and a side of Caffeine kick of Diet Dr Pepper Cherry Chocolate, as I try to reorient myself for normal days to hopefully sleep at night, but I feel that is not really going to help, even for the short term.

Today I decided it was time to seek advice on homeopathic options to the chemical crud that is clogging up my system. I also identified some other annoyances or possible issues that need courage to explore and let them pass.. for that to happen, I need to be willing to make some other releases.

I remembered today when insisting my doctor refer me to endocrinology point of view, to see if there is something endocrinologically that was not presenting gynecologically -- both doctors today feel we have truly explored all nonsurgical options.. I remember my OBG Doctor asking me if I had any residual issues from the violent crime I survived some 20 years prior. Sometimes that post traumatic stress has a tendency to create pain or disease, later on in life.

Sigh! YES I am a survivor of a violent sexual assault. It was ugly, it was terrifying, there was pain, discomfort, humiliation, and much healing to occur from that experience. Today however I life a life filled with joy, gratitude, love, and capacity to dream. I enjoy 2 beautiful kids and a happy work and life relationship. Looking deep within myself, I could honestly say I had forgiven my attacker, a Vietnam Veteran in a sort of drug induced flashback, who broke into my apartment and carried me out of it in the middle of the night, starting what would be one of the most terrifying 7 hours of my lifetime. Is there residual guilt to be managed, or is this just a health issue that I have elected to become liberated from?

Having worked through the experience, made it part of the tapestry of my life, and found the strength and courage to face that fear head on, I was surprised that something I thought I had managed so well, might take on a endometriosis pain or cancer like expression later on in life. That said was there someone else in the equation I needed to work on? Perhaps that was worth exploring.. That fear that someday I would make another mistake that would leave me alone, penniless, without a friend in the world.

Oh so that is way deeper than "what is normal" discussion, but maybe worth some ritual exploration, rejuvenation, and release.

What is the best approach to working the return to normalcy after a hysterectomy?

I started with an approach..

Inner Health Sole Pads to rid the body of harmful toxins
White Willow Bark Herbal Tablets to soothe away tension, aches, and pains.
Arnica Montana Herbal Tablets to treat the trauma and muscle soreness
More Water, less sugar-- include MetroMint as a delicious treat I love.
More herbal Tea, less decaf coffee, no diet soda.
priobiotic organic raw kombucha tea to revitalize.

Post Hysterectomy... Now What??

2008-02-07T22:16:00.000-08:00

A week after the hysterectomy. Pain is becoming manageable, the sinuses that were blown out by the use of Synarel are healing... I am continuing to be careful. Tonight I tended to cleaning out the laproscopy stitches with fresh bandages, as I could feel the stitches had not yet melted, and would rather not injure myself needlessly.

In 3 weeks I have my follow up, in 6 weeks I return to work. What choices can I make to come back to EVERYTHING I reintroduce, deliberately, sweetly, efficiently.

Now what? I am 24 hours without pain management medication (Endocet). Feeling more myself, but realizing I shall still need to welcome and define who and what I do differently as a result of the surgery.

I think this activity shall consist of some deliberate acceptance and release of attachments to the previous ways of being. I willingly release the heartache of so many miscarriages, so many lost lives I had hoped to know. I willingly release the belief that I have PCOS, and from that condition I must live a life of acceptance of pain, discomfort, health issues, and difficult weight loss regardless of what I do.

But beyond that, what should I choose to pick up?

Healthier choices, with less worry.
More active and more consistently active from one month to the next.
More rested, less insomnia.

What solutions might exist in loving acceptance of what is?
What solutions might exist in Ayurveda?
What possibilities might be created with a different focus?

Ah better to be as creatively inspired for the time I choose to spend on this earth than to be in so much pain that my creative processes, my heart, and my mind are compromised by the overwhelming notions of discomfort and disease. I have been given the opportunity to make new and different choices that allow me to live my best life, with the grace and creativity and zeal I choose... Or I can forget that notion of choice altogether and allow myself to drift mindlesslessly inhibited by that which haunts me and I am not sure why...

4 days post surgery. PCOS to Endometriosis

2008-02-04T11:57:00.000-08:00

Endometrial Cancer is a risk for many women. 8 years of cyclical endometrial pain, predictable problems, griping and begging for solutions ended 4 days ago. Desiring to either face the reality, restore the body, and move on, and yet knowing uterine cancer is a valid risk.

Having been done, I really do not entirely yet understand what happened, and am looking forward to my 4 week appointment to follow up. By then the full pathology reports will be in and my head will be clearer to ask more reasonable questions.

4 days post surgery, with a curious mix of pain and more pain with a few hours of 'hey this isn't so bad' interspersed in between. This would not be probably so dramatic were I not in such a rush to get off the Endocet. Why is it taking medication 'as instructed" should be more aggressive for me. My logic is off.. I know it. I am tired with headaches and intermittent fevers.. The pain seems worse simply because I keep thinking that by now I should be experiencing less pain, and be off the painkillers already.

Why did it take so long to diagnose and resolve?
What cases of "every form of treatment" before surgery keep women in distress?
Where does PCOS end and Endometriosis begin?
Beyond the name of the 'discomfort' , isn't this about hormone rebalance and averting cancer?

At the end of the day it does not matter what you call the problem if you fail to solve it.
We fixed the known, named problem, PCOS without removing the problem -- debilitating pain.
The new names "endometriosis" and "adenomyosis" hopefully resolved the unknown problems believed to be causing the debilitiating pain.

The website Endometriosis Resolved seems to offer alot in the form of substantial knowledge and optimism that stems from having been there, and solved that!

I embrace the possibility of recovering. As a survivor of some of life's more dramatic experiences, I know my risks of cancer are higher.. However I also know that the world needs to hear more "grace to face" stories. There comes a time in life where planning for the worst case scenario is just not enough, and my friend, now is one of those such times.

One of my favorite books to read during this time is Louise L. Hay "You Can Heal Your Life". This book offers incredible insights into how new thought patters might allow you to embrace a healthier living.

Mantra for healing appears to be appreciating the wonders of fulfillment, appreciating being powerful and complete. For me this involves finding a rebalance and centering that helps me to embrace being fully alive at home, on purpose and joyous!

Operation Operation is under way..

2008-01-28T14:38:00.000-08:00

Years of "trying something else" being given up in the simpler decision to surrender.

Will you still tolerate me if I try to do things the natural way and it takes longer to achieve success? Will I be willing to give up the guilt, the shame, and the sorrow in favor of more energetic living?

Being strong enough to let you see me in pain, was a tough task.. If you saw it then it was real. I did not want to own the pain without the guilt.. guilt that somehow I was paying a price. Time for those beliefs that keep me stuck to also be banished from my way of thinking.

For me to be in service, in true service to others, I have got to be willing to let the pain pass. Sure there was strength in functioning so long with it.. There is faith in trusting that the emptiness created by the absence of pain is far greater than the diminished functioning with it!

Time, Grace, Resources, and Friendship are abundant if I let them be.
Time, Grace, Resources, and Friendship are precious if I let them be.

All is well!

Truth in wellness, cancer, love and death

2008-01-26T10:14:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Judith shared this with me today. We have a weekly chat that I very much look forward to, and this week, before I shared my news, she sent this Abraham Hicks message for today-- as if in perfect tune to the song in my heart!

"Forever, physical humans are saying, "give me the truth, give me the truth." And we say, there are all kinds of truths. Choose the truths that serve you. Now, there are a lot of people that would feel great discomfort with that. But the thing that we want you to hear about it is: there is a truth of cancer, and there is a truth of wellness. Which truth serves you? You can activate either of them within you, and make it your truth. Truths are created; they aren't static. They aren't conditions that exist that then it is your obligation to identify and catalog. You are the creator of your truths--and what you are living is your truth."

Monday is my presurgical appointment. I am electing healing energy so that I can face this surgery with the grace that is required to heal quickly and experience a restoration of my health, my energy, and my endurance to be and do and be the person I choose to be, without the encumbrances that slowed my better intentions.

Being a person who believes in science, and in healing, mine has been a challenge to release my attachment to the pain and obvious disruptions that seem to be associated with that moment in time where there is discomfort and dis-ease. Where there is attachment there is pain, and yet where there is pain, there is truth there is also wellness.

Now how much of dis-ease or wellness is choice, I know not. However I do know what feels good is embracing options that move me closer to enjoying the time I have, the presence of others, and the friendships I treasure. Monday is my presurgery consultation to see if I am stable enough to undergo surgery now. I have decided that given cancer and wellness are equal truths, I will embrace the more deliberate choices that serve me, and take the more scientific actions that support my stronger desire-- not fear of death and discomfort, but love.

I have lived long enough to learn that most suffering is not permanent, and we can find the grace to work out the details and make choices. Now this does not mean that cancer is a choice purely, but ignorance to the possibility might not be bliss, if the scientific markers are there...

Truth for me as it relates to my risk is based upon a few truths:

1. We are all going to leave the earth at some point or another as we all have a 100% mortality rate guarantee
2. We can find a grace, even a joy, in the strength we can summon to face that which we though insurmountable.
3. Acknowledge that there "is" a condition of unwellness, does not mean we must "own" that condition.

Summed up most beautifully in the short form of the Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the Serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference."

Great Workout Today!

2008-01-16T08:32:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't it be amazing if women were giving more power to health and good choices and less to guilt, fear, and worry? Uninhibited by fear of judgment, they talk about what works instead of what is broken. I am so grateful to have had 2 nights of normal person sleep, and a great workout to boot!

Two of my friends have followed a similar gynecological path-- massive symptoms and problems. Told by the doctors that the problems they are feeling, are not common.. Try suppressing the cycles and finding that although the cycles stop, the symptoms did not. When that does not work the last stop is to go in for hysterectomy and discover things were way worse than they expected. In both situations cancer was discovered-- requiring immediately more surgery and chemotherapy.

One of them passed away last week. The other called me this week and finally those questions I was afraid to ask needed to be asked.. You see, I thought being superwoman meant not letting them see you sweat, and not sweating either.. Fact was I was a bit nervous and even more uncomfortable that I was not feeling comfortable..

Part of empowering one's self is to leave no question that COULD be answered to linger. Talking to Lesly this week was a blessing. She is an example of someone who had the worst possible diagnosis happen and faced it with grace. She advised me of what I can expect in the best and worst case scenario, and shared so generously how she got through it. It is not misery loving company that I found refreshing, it is that I am not so alone in the world, struggling for my own sanity while trying to convince the doctors that it is not acceptable if something CAN be done, to suggest a person should live on 16% diminished capacity. There are a heck of a lot of ways I CAN use that increased capacity, and Lesly challenged me to think about visualizing what I could do when that arrives.

Detox Diet is my way of trying something new that I can do. When on Detox Diet, sugars and caffeine are off limits, so when not sleeping, so is my primary source of functioning during normal people business hours. Sleeping all day is not an option and working all night is not either. So for this month I decided to see what happens when I give my best to the workout and the diet, regardless of the exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

Yesterday the migraines came in, but only lasted for 7 hours.. I had to take ibuprofen to manage that, but the duration seemed shorter. Next comes exhaustion the next few days and ovarian pain the following days.

Upside after the first week: 8 pounds lighter and have been loosing inches too, while building muscle. Today was a great workout day. I would characterize this as my "superwoman" workout, where the intensity is such that I find myself trying to catch up with my breath and well at the tail end of the workout, nausea.. It was good though all in all.

Aggressive workouts are more dramatic when you are eating primarily fruits and vegetables for a week. Next week I will eat a bit more fruit to give me a bit more fuel an hour or so before the training.

Difficult Conversations, Done with Elegance.

2008-01-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

They love me and know me really for who I am.

This morning I had one of those "difficult conversations, done with elegance". There have been a few more of those types of conversations than I am comfortable with these days.

In December, Kevin caught me managing the few days of pain that comes every month-- he heard it in my breathing... and said he wants to go with me to the Doctor next time to try to understand why I have to live with this kind of pain.

It is January 14, my dear friend called to ask if we could talk about what I can do to take care of myself. She is worried about me, and she is experientially qualified to be so. Not that I did not trust the concern of my husband, but for someone you work with to brave the politics to demonstrate the caring makes a definite impression. She did so with incredible appreciation for the situation, compassion, and genuine concern. Then she offered to share some ideas that I had not thought of..

I am not accustomed to this call of attention to my well being, and even less accustomed to someone wanting to talk about how "we" can solve it. I found myself becoming agitated that she wanted to schedule a follow on.. My first instinct is to recoil in fear.. Second instinct, curl up in a ball and sleep until I am readier. Why can't they understand, I am doing the best that I can... I am not sleeping, worse than it's ever been.. and trying to be efficient, organized, available, friendly and personable on 2 hours of sleep or less a night!

I TRUST my husband.
I TRUST my friend.

And so I reason that the impact of my health conditions might be greater than I was seeing. I have been carrying this load for so long, that perhaps I do not realize that carrying it is not necessary? OR perhaps I have not communicated what has improved to a point where they can put aside the worry?

I know that if I trust my husband and my friend to be genuine folks who care about my well being, I must also trust that there is something they see that I can not, that warrants correction. They would not offer a concern with intent of instilling guilt or worry or fear..

And yet the fear, the guilt, the worry is there. Worry that I try to keep at bay that I will be left alone and penniless, without a friend in the world.

Today's Esther and Jerry Hicks Well Being Card says it well. "Most say, "When I get that, I will be joyful." But you must be joyful first-- you must start with the determination that I will not settle for less than feeling good."

So in the study of contrast, "good" is not "worried". If that is not what I want, what is it I should be asking for to be feeling "good" to a point where there is no cause for concern?

Cleansing Diet, Day 3.

2008-01-08T04:06:00.000-08:00

This is my peak pain time, with painful bloating, depressive symptoms, and debilitating feelings of low self worth of-- 'No, Don't Look At Me.. I am TOO Hideous". My hair and skin becomes dry and brittle, my hair falling out in clumps. Showering and washing it, massive conditioning or no conditioning, the course is unpleasant. My hair seems more destined for macrame plant hangers.

Yesterday, I did not feel like the poster child for successful "cleansing", because I felt so immensely "unwell". Headachy until 3 in the afternoon, exhausted and unclear in my thinking- my upper body was freezing... By late afternoon I was able to get a 1 mile run in. That did wonders for my spirits and "heated me up".. By evening I was feeling better, and curiously lighter in mind and body. I took a Epsom salt bath with eucalyptus and mint. By 11:30 I was "heated" and experiencing a sort of fevered condition.. whole body was not just hot but a sweaty heated up mess, like a pan boiling over on a stove. No headaches though, it just felt like there was lots of work underway... sleep was sporadic and I awoke after 4 hours of light rest, needing to get going, and yet thinking I will need a nap too.

It is morning of Day 3, and 3 pounds lighter. I will do a measurements and weight check this evening before my Wednesday workout to report in with my trainer.

Day 1: Detoxification Diet

2008-01-06T07:05:00.000-08:00

Leading into the Detox Diet I kicked off the diet with detox patches on my feet. Neat.

Today is the first day of detox diet. I finally slept all night -- it was great, but I awoke tired today and really wanting some coffee. Hands and ffeet intensely cold.

Otherwise Breakfast was puffed rice, ricemilk, and cereal.

Time for a nap I think if I am going to feel good today.

http://mulars.blogspot.com/

Today is January 4, 2008

2008-01-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

From December 31, 2007 to today, I have accomplished 1 full nights sleep. Energy and balancing my awake moments from my exhausted moments. Sporadic sharp pains came in today in the morning to early afternoon. Then by 5:00 they were gone.

This weekend we start the detox diet.. I hope that makes a difference this time like it did last time.

Is this working, or delaying the inevitable??

2007-12-21T22:51:00.000-08:00

Okay so the medical suppression of my cycles did not seem to have an effect on my symptoms as it did not seem to avert the pain, and certainly did not halt the cycles. Worthless debilitating depression the last few days.. Shut up Dawn, you sickly little self centered little brat. No one wants to deal with your crap and you're always hiding.

I am sleepless for several days running now, relegated to tiny 15 minute "cat naps" when I can to keep functioning.

Today we are traveling. I am taking Advil every few hours to avert the pain I have been experiencing.. I hate the hours waiting between doses for the stuff to kick in.. Do I have the right dose of Synarel? Do I need more Estradiol, or something else. Will I eer sleep again?

Great workout today!

2007-12-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

All things considered, I am a monthly drama queen that is sick of my own story line and want to write a more interesting one. Had a great workout today. However I am pleased to be finding capacity to do more physically -- feeling stronger than ever, and gently more capable.

Shocking given how bad I felt the last 4 days. Hair falling out. Migraines. Depression. My husband worries and wants them just to fix me, which of course makes me all the more committed to hiding the obviously disruptive affects of this ailment. Easy to do when he's not around during the day, harder to do if he works from home... or on the weekends.

Pain gives way to sleep disorders.. Insomnia bigger and badder than ever..The kind where "sleep" does not come until around 5:00 a.m., and 2 hours into that, the kids are pulling on my eyelids to get me going. :D

The clocks in my office have all started going crazy again, one running up to two hours fast, the back up which sync to the time also not able to stay synced in the magnetic appeal that is apparently um.. me.

The girls a wreck now...

2007-12-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

Side effects of Synarel or Estradiol or recovery or ... something are in full bloom.

Headaches, Insomnia, intense depression, a feeling of unworthiness and guilt.
Bloating, bad eating, exhaustion, no energy..
Hair and skin and everything feels well. dried out over worked, over done... Hair is falling out!
Solace in sweets, not solving the problem, not helping much at all. Trying to hold on as I know it will pass in a few days...

When I do sleep it is dreams of bitter disapproval, social strife and rejection. Dreamt of a gradeschool classmate who's mother died of cancer and then her father only a few short years later lept to his death from one of the tallest buildings in our small hometown. In my dream she was battling depression, but no one noticed, or seemed to care. She deserved the care-- then and I hope she found a loving family when all else from your extended family all but goes away or checks out.

So what's going on?

Risks of Ovarian Hyperstimulation? OHSS -- No, moderate symptoms on the scale, but they existed cyclically before I started the medication so not likely a cause of Synarel.
More than likely it is cyclical estrogen dominance and there is much written about naturopathic changes to offset the effects of diet, decreased stress and exercise and of course returning to the Insulin Resistance Diet.

Month 2 Synarel, adjustments to include Estradiol

2007-11-28T20:15:00.000-08:00

Insomnia last night allowed me to sleep from 5:30a - 7a then I worked out, worked my 9 hours and hit the wall. Headaches, and dull pain getting louder. Taking alot more Advil every few hours. I would really love to sleep but the rest is not there.. My mind is active, the needs are great, but the exhaustion is heavy WITHOUT rest.

Depression is bad the last two days. Pain started tonight. So I keep taking the Synarel the Estradiol.

What can I do to manage this better?

There is much written on this topic of what the medications DO to avert surgery... the questions it raises for me are huge though for how I manage the symptoms..

It's a cycle and a tumor for gosh sakes, why is it demanding so much attention? I feel like a whiney baby to have such pain, headaches, energy and sleep disorders cyclically, to a point where I am feeling bad almost as long as I am feeling good.

If I have had problematic tumors surgically removed before, is that plus the symptoms indicative of a risk towards ovarian cancer?
Can hormone adjustments heal the problem AND recover the pain?

Lessons Learned About "Running" or Running Away

2007-11-08T18:14:00.000-08:00

I have joked that "running away" from my problems was my strategy for defying the conventional logic. I am changing that catch phrase now to "Just DO It" and "Let's see".

What's the WORST that can happen on Thanksgiving? Publically I lose control again during the race, or the pain overcomes me.

So What are you Gonna DO about it? Train with "protection", Visualize, Prepare, Try to push beyond the distance of the race BEFORE the race to build endurance. Do Kegals.

10/02/07 I began treatment "Synarel".
10/07/07 Noticed depressive symptoms are not so sharp, thinking clearer, longer too!
11/01/07 Extremely tired throughout the day, but still not depressive or foggy! Not insomniac.
11/03/07 Run at Greenleaf Park, 3 mile run halted early due to the twitchy annoyance turning to sharp pain. Some visual signs of stress.
11/04/07 Breathing Problems, congestion requiring allergy meds.
Insomniac. Sharp intermittent pain kept me up.. AND dull lower back pain.
11/07/07 EXTREME headaches, sharp pain.. Took 500 mg Motrin to function during workday.
Nurse advised to give the med's 30 days, but expect some of these symptoms as my
body adjusts. Can I push through in exercise? Can I run the 4 mile in a few weeks?
Is there anything the pain and other unpleasantries could injur if I pushed too hard?
Probably not, but trust and listen to your body.
Can I and could I get a better run if I took Motrin prior? Possibly and try it.
On race day, can I take a diuretic before the race to make sure I don't have another
embarrassing episode? No that is not a good idea. Hydration is important--
especially if dealing with issues of electrolyte balance (vertigo).

"Don't look at me, I am tooo hideous" feeling sets in. hirsutism ain't fun...
sense of humor NOT pleased by the huge breakouts. Digestive overwhelm.
Extreme bloating and puffed up-in-ness.

11/08/07 Optimistically set out to run 4 miles on a treadmill at the gym-- listing slightly
but not full on vertigo and not inhibiting a good workout. I can do this.
Good incline, decent pace, constant feeling I am going to fly off the back
not easy to run on a treadmill with slight balance problems.
Halfway in discovered I am an outdoor runner kinda gal, and nausea halted the
treadmill. I finished my run upstairs on the track. Nausea continued through my
cool down, continued through my weight training... Continued for 40 minutes
after the workout. But then, sinus suddenly is clear, listing is not happening..
Feeling frustrated for not having more capacity, while simultaneously victorious
for having done what I set out to do today.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Some sort of Pain Reliever does take the edge off the pain, that's good.
Working out on an empty stomach with only motrin and water, that's not good.
I run best when there are plenty of things to look at, weather, and terrain to deal with.
I need to don the pedometer to gauge the rest of my prerace runs equipment not cutting.
Don't tell me I can't do it right now, tell me what you think will enable me to do it!

SECRET FEARS EXPOSED:

I hate that the physical affects of this ailment is "written all over my face" and starting to show other places too.
I don't want to embarrass my neighbor, my family, or others by letting them see me hurt.
That I just might not be able to do what I have set out for my stretch goal.
Fear of rejection for my lack of endurance or inability to keep up.
Massive discomfort and pain, coupled with guilty overwhelming depression that spending money on stupid stuff won't solve, or even relieve.

RESEARCH TO CREATE OPTIMISM AND INSPIRE THE NEXT STEPS>>

Pain Management-- Ahhh Take Pain Relievers WITH something, silly.
GnRH Analogues -- stops oestrogen production, starving endometriosis of oestrogen. I am taking Norethindrone as ‘add-back’ therapy or HRT to reduce the side effects. PCOS..
Why some Women Quit Sports 1 in 3 experience incontinence during exercise, 20% stopped exercising because of the problem, 18% changed the way a specific exercise was done and 55% wore a pad during exercise.
HOW to act and respond to early Ovarian Cancer symptoms.

Owwwww.

2007-10-28T20:56:00.000-07:00

Today is the 5th day on Synarel. Checked the dosage and side effects. I have been experiencing sharp and intense pain that was not there as usual. For me I viewed this as optimism that perhaps this is just a fast acting formula, however today the pain, headache and exhaustion suggest that at best, I need a nap.

Synarel sides do include headache.. Not worried now.

Day 4 Notes: Physical Program and medication combination

2007-10-26T02:43:00.000-07:00

It is Day 4 of being on the new medication Synarel and Norethindrone. As with most medications, I try to focus on observing and recognizing the differences with each medication. Not because I love medication, but because I choose to have a better sense of what is happening as a result of what I injest.

For years I have accepted the debilitating impacts of a syndrome that doctors were unable to help me with-- not with medication, not with life adjustments.. I heard all of the rational rationalizations as to why I should logically have these problems. Instead of internalizing that which I felt explained the syndrome, I have concluded it is time to battle the feelings of being completely out of control, head on.

I rid myself of doubt by remembering that all things happen for a reason, and distrusting that logic requires I live confined by belief system that obstructs me from the freedom to let go and make better choices. The more I observe, the more I can listen, the more profound the experience becomes.

OBSERVATIONS:
=============

Immediately and from day 1, I am experiencing regulated sleep, even in my most disruptive point of the cycles of symptom management. Every night by 10:00 I am ready to sleep, and I can not stay up past 11. I sleep all night, without nightmares, disruption, or waking several hours later.
The depression and pain have diminished WITHOUT having to take high doses of Migraine medication for the several days of headaches.
From cycle day 1, I have only had to take Advil for Day 1! Usually this would be a 3-4 day course of pain management.
The foggy thinking that usually lasts a few days prior to CD1, and continues until CD6 is diminished by CD2!
Vertigo or listing during several days prior through CD3 is diminished. I have had light headedness, but not the kind of disruption that obscures physical activity. I have NOT even had the black spots at the corners of my eyes suggesting anemic blood levels or fainting.
Sugar, caffeine, and chocolate cravings are still very high during the daytime.
Physical activity has literally taken NO disruption during this cycle-- no worries of passing out, no worries of pain overwhelming activity.. I have been able to let go of the physical symptoms and experience a newer possibility.

SECRET FEAR: Working out in public and having another episode like that experienced during race day.

Working out to a point of pain everywhere that is too great for me to bear.
Losing consciousness or breath.
Expending energy to a point where that is all there is, and that requires me to release negative energy publically.

STRATEGY FOR MANAGING THE FEAR: Fear is not managed through romancing it's limitations. It is managed through direct confrontation, observation, and better decisions.

In childbirth, pain is a necessity to give birth to something really great. Perhaps healing too?
Affirm the resourcefulness of challenged perception.
Taking time to meditate, or try other strategies to manage the 'zero' space activities, that need more room in my daily living.

The Truth is sheer OPTIMISM!!

2007-10-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

The Progress: I have so far lost 3 dress sizes, over 21 inches, and gained endurance.. All that is great. I feel like I can do more, but I need to kick it up a notch.

Let me be perfectly honest.. I am reasonably optimistic, but balance that with a healthy humility of knowing I don't know all the answers. "It" did not need a consistent name to be a consistent problem in my life. Many doctors, many diagnosis, little common agreement. Depression, vertigo, migraines, insomnia, weight gain, extreme pain, and sometimes cyclically induced trips to the Emergency Room to manage the impacts and symptoms that some called PCOS, PMS, PMDD, Insomnia, Migraines, Insulin Resistance, "Survivor of Violent Crime Syndrome", Endometriosis. "It" did not need to have a name to determine it's disruption in my life. Every month, since my miscarriage, on the day of Hurricane Katrina, 2 short years ago, has been a struggle to appear normal from the outside, while feeling as if falling apart on the inside.

MY CONSTITUTION: YES bad things and good things have happened to me.. I call that life and accept that. I choose to accept life with love, we are here for a short time only, and I intend to appreciate more of what is working than what is not.

However I don't accept that because I survived some horrible life ordeals, that I must choose to live my life accepting uncommon pain, depression and symptoms. I believe people are built with amazing survival mechanisms and I have decided it is time to start challenging them and running towards them, rather than accepting them and retreating into pain.

To prevent endometrial hyperplasia from developing into cancer, some doctors may recommend medication, then hormone therapy to shrink the size of the tumors before undergoing surgery to remove the uterus (hysterectomy) or treatment with hormones (progesterone) and regular followup exams.

RUNNING AWAY!! You CAN choose your course, even in illness.

My race 2 weeks ago was a big deal to me! I was not sure I could finish after the first mile, but I kept my own pace, kept moving and ran through it. Finishing well for me was finishing. Which I did, at the pace of a 13 minute mile for the 5K. Not the best times in the world, but for someone running her first race since 1984 who is battling ovarian tumors, hey not so bad. The symptoms of the problem became for the first time ever, evident in this race where folks on the outside could see the inconvenience going on.. I hated that... taking the healthy humility to a bit of self indulgent humiliation.

So after the race, follow up with my doctor.. We began a several month course of Synarel, a drug useful in reducing the size of tumors. I am optimistic because I have also read in Womens Health Digest that women who work out 7 hours a week or more, have a 40% reduced risk of problems with ovarian tumors. 40% , for a few more hours a week investment at the gym or on the runs.. Okay!

The Goal: Drop another 15 pounds by Thanksgiving Day-- Race day in the Turkey Trot Run to Benefit those who are Homeless. Boost gym workouts by 30-40 minutes for circuit training and intensity cardio.

The Plan: No down time, for good cause. Got a cold, run. Depressed, run. Headache or vertigo-- call the trainer before canceling a run.. Break through the barriers with uncommon dedication to results.

Dawn: | Frappr | Hi5 | Jaxster | Jobster | Konnects| Lijit | Linked In | MyBlogLog | MySpac e | Naymz | Ning | Plaxo | Ryze || Stumble | Tribe | Twitter | Viadeo | Xing | Yahoo | Zaadz

Straight Talk about Ovarian Tumors

2007-10-13T12:24:00.000-07:00

I got strategy in advance of this 5K race from my husband, who's a runner, my trainer, who's a genius, and my Doctor who is evaluating my options for treatment of Ovarian Tumors. I do not mean to advocate ignorance of common sense, of medical experience, and of the bodies ability to heal. Mine is a constant struggle with my western worry and eastern practicing peace philosophy.

Grandma Simmons worked hard all her life-- really hard. After she and my Grandpa Simmons shut down the grocery store, she cleaned people's homes, because she was very particular, and bringing order and cleanliness gave her a deep sense of peace.. My Grandma Simmons died of cancer. Well she actually died of thirst, but only because by the time she was diagnosed, cancer had taken a bulk of her internal organs. She chose not to live the remainder of her life, being kept alive by medical devices and morphine... Her choice to live, and leave this life, was her own. Grandma was a very solid figure in my life... Grandma was not afraid of having uncomfortable discussions if it meant a more realistic relationship. "Treat it like a movie".. became a mantra I lived, when my life got tough, and I think it was the way my Grandma lived her life.

In retrospect, I wonder if Grandma and I might have had much more in common than I knew in terms of the "east" "west" struggles. As a little girl I was amazed at the beautiful Asian Style dolls and the Rice Paper Shoji lamp that stuck out from the very tightly controlled and traditional decor of a midwest grandparent of central IL. They were beautiful and I remember enjoying looking at them on controlled display and trying to envision the princess that was dressed in red and carrying what look like a long string of purses.

It would be over 25 years later that I would learn that the "Princess" was a Geisha Girl Hat Vender.

Introduction: Today I wear Crimson, Boldly

2007-10-02T04:19:00.000-07:00

Today I wear crimson, boldly!

I do not remember what I was wearing every day, but of course not every day is significant, and I would waste alot of brain cells trying to record that anyway. Why it became significant was in appreciation of what an opportunity life is, when we choose it, rather than choosing to accept others definitions. It was my mandatory followup after an emergency room visit for vertigo-- another symptom on the course of discovering that again the host of symptoms I was wrestling, could be attributable to either circumstance or my past. My well intending medical doctor who was patiently practicing medicine suggested that while the host of problems I had were adding up, that is not uncommon for someone who has.. "well let me put this delicately", suffered uncommon trauma's in their life. I don't remember what I was wearing, but I do remember thinking that this conversation founded one of the significant rules I live by.

RULE 1: Do not use statistics to limit us, we have seen too much and defied too many of 'em!

It was a 19 years ago, and truly the crossroads for me, at the intersection of 'accepting the statistics' as a death sentence, or choosing a more adventurous path. I wore orange the day I checked out of the women's rehabilitation center, on my path to reclaim my life. It was months after a violent criminal assault, and I was exiting rehabilitation to return to life a whole and more complete person, made more sensitive and compassionate than cynical.

A beautiful organic cotton dress with a stunning fit, and an elegant feel. Orange signifies a greater sense of purpose and concentration. It represented a desire for a healthy optimism and a choice to move forward, balancing the serious reality of what I had survived.

I entered rehabilitation as a choice to stop the pain. Earlier that spring I survived an attack at the hands of a stranger, a vagrant veteran in a sort of drug induced stupor, intent upon making me 'responsible'. The attack felt bigger than me, and more than I could handle-- my nights were tormented with post traumatic stress disorder as I relived the horrorific attack, and tried to find the sense to move on.

This is not about running away from my problems, it was about running towards a more optimistic future. However I did not choose that color. I had lost, essentially everything I had, and that dress was significant of my way forward... The gift of a very kind stranger, who had seen tough times, and wanted to offer me something beautiful for my great new start. It was beautiful, the dress, and the optimism. That this woman could find the love and compassion to set a person that felt spiritually on a path to her own demise.

RULE 2: I seek assistance to discover choices that alone I could not discover, if you do not live by that order, with a healthy balance of optimism, let us choose to part company.

I have a host of symptoms that make me feel very sick for a few days, and it 'flares' occaisionally like an angry beast needing attention. That does not define me, but it does require I acknowledge it. I choose to face my problems, and move through them.. Seeing them for what they are.

I am a mom of 2 kids I love deeply. I choose to be the best mom I can be.
I enjoy the people I have the honor of working with. I choose to be the best leader I can be.
My negative challenges are fortunately not splashed across the tabloids, but they are still mine.
I accept my limitations, my strengths, my weaknesses, but I choose empowered optimism.

Why Red?: It's the color of the root chakra. Our association with color helps fortify and feed that person that we are. I accept the yin and yang nature that is representative of a life lived in balance. Today I wear Red, to represent that bolder person that I choose to be.

Why Today?: My commitment to living my best life will shine in everything I do today, because that is the choice I have made for this day and for myself. It's not appropriate perhaps every day, but today I choose to be grounded in a healthy, realistic optimism, and a stubborn realization that traditional statistics do not define my choices.

RULE 3: Regardless of the news of the day, I choose to live and embody my best self. I will see things as best I can with human eyes, I will challenge the boundaries as best I can with human will, and I will live to be my best personal self.

Today I go to the doctor to discuss the symptoms that keep getting in the way, and the options they might present. Doctors have wanted to do several biopsy and exploratory procedures. .. intent upon understanding the nature of the problem. I am fortunate to have an optimistic doctor now who has ideas that don't involve 'waiting' and 'seeing', with a liberal side of justification for why you should just tolerate less than optimum healthcare, until it turns into cancer.